Ah another beautiful starry night full of tiny irises reflecting here in Elland, or the United Republic of Tanzania as they like to call it, but we prefer Elland. That’s what we elephants named it long ago in the Early Early Hour when Elbert the Elegant first laid claim and rule to the land. Now we decided to go to a democracy, and yours truly has been elected Queen Elainey by her peers. They know grace and clout when they see it. We’re big, but we’re beautiful you see.
I look out across the whispering plain with my strong eyes. Prancing zebras and speedy impalas and stupid water buffalo and tall white storks are all slipping and sliding around ol’ Wet Water tonight. My pack of pachyderms is enjoying Wet Water with splashes and fountain sprays from lithe trunks. The elly cubs are smiling from one floppy ear to the other. They’re tusks are just starting to come in. I smile too.
Wait… Sniff sniff. Lions are close. Lionesses blending in with the beige tall grass. This is new. They’ve never gotten this nearby to our proximity before.
Oh you lionesses, why are you so close tonight? Bored or just letting all that heat get to your dumb heads? I laugh heartily. Oh and your boys that they like to call “kings of the jungle”? I laugh again from the deep insides of my cavernous rib cage. We’re the queens of this here court and they have no authority at all so keep on walking. What about our masculine mates? Yeah their bellies full of earth may be impressive, but we all really know whose trunks trumpet loudest at the end of the day! I laugh again.
It feels good to be the leader of this sect of Elephantidae. Yes, madams, maybe you should look into it for yourselves. Making all of the decisions is like the sweetest juice from the highest Reddy Red berry trees. Only we and those meddlesome giraffes can reach them. (Don’t worry. I’m working on a plan to get rid of them forever.) But what I say goes, and if there is a fuss thrown, I quickly remind them where they’d be without me. Out on their stumpy tail is where! I am the reigning Queen of Loxodonta africana! My tusks and trunk are the longest and loudest!
So go ahead and flash your fangs in the starlight. Remember our ivory tusks are nothing to shake your pelts at, darlings. You know you can’t take our size or numbers.
You feel the shake of the earth as our feminine feet stamp down… the… trees… Hmmm… where is everyone…?
Now now lionesses, remember who you’re dealing wi-wi-iiii-ahhhhhhhhh!
The lionesses are attacking! I run and stamp and smash and thrash, but they just keep piling onto my massive back. There must be hundreds! (In reality, there were twenty lionesses.)
Their jagged claws and blood-stained teeth continue to try to sink deep into my royal, rugged hide, but I keep running. Maybe if I go into these trees, I can knock these horrible creatures off of me…
Where is my herd of loyal subjects? I cannot have gotten that far away from them… They have to hear this. Why aren’t they rushing to their marvelous leader’s help? I cannot do this alone. There’s far too many of them…
Are these fiendish lionesses starving? They’ve never attacked a full grown elephant before?! What is this?
Oh my dear Elbert the Elegant, I’m feeling weak. These wretched beasts feel like they’ve broken through my mud-soaked skin. I can feel my noble blood dripping down the ridge of my regal spine.
Legs… keep… churn… ing…
None of my aides or subordinates has come… Cannot keep goi-…
I crash into the undergrowth away from my scenic savannah. No one seems to hear the immense collapse. Can barely breathe. I reluctantly listen to them stalking along my back. They’re snarling like the uncivilized brutes they are.
One particular villain walks across my colossal back toward my refined, sturdy neck… One last thought, “What possibly could have happened to my fellow elephants? All I ever did was give them everything they ever dreamed…”
The lioness bites deep into my sinewy neck and severs brain stem from spine.
Is this what I deserved? I will never see the fields of my ancestors. They all died as nobility should, in their sleep underneath Elbert the Elegant’s gigantic feet on the softest beds of grass nearly as tall as our shoulders. Where to now…?
One meticulously eating lioness says to another, “This queen’s trunk is quite tasty, isn’t it, Calla?”
“It most assuredly is, Queen Leora. Most assuredly.”
